Links for October 31st, 2009

There is an immeasurable difference between polyamory and infidelity. Essentially, polyamory is an open relationship between consenting adults. It involves honesty, love and trust, just like monogamy. Infidelity is cheap, dishonest and passe. The two are not interchangeable, nor should they be confused. If we were to be honest with ourselves and to our nature, polyamory would be a lot less controversial. We're not designed to be with one person. Instead, we stay in unsatisfying relationships, out of fear or comfort, and cheat instead of breaking up. This is counter-intuitive. We should be encouraged to be honest, open and safe in our relationships. We have been conditioned to believe that monogamy is the ideal we should strive for. Since childhood, we've been promised that we each have a soul mate somewhere, waiting for us. Once we meet, we will be emotionally fulfilled and completely satisfied. This is a lie. By nature, we are not monogamous beings.

This year we both opened ourselves up to having deeper intimate connections with other people. This was a bit of an exploration process. It gave both of us more clarity to see that our marriage wasn’t the best vehicle for our long-term happiness. We were happy in some areas but not in others. We had reached a dead-end and needed to let go of the marriage to get around it. Otherwise we’d end up working harder and harder trying to make each other happy, with worsening results.

Erin and I realized that we were disempowering each other by giving too much power to the marriage itself. It was as if we somehow owned each other’s hearts and had to keep checking in and asking permission for anything we wanted to do intimacy-wise. We went out of our way to avoid serious misunderstandings and to check in with each other’s feelings, but the communication burden become insane after a while.

Note: horrible comments.

If you were to judge the success rate of monogamy by the sex lives of public figures, perhaps couples should change their marriage vows to say, "Till a tempting new partner do us part."

Researchers are just beginning to study the phenomenon, but the few who do estimate that openly polyamorous families in the United States number more than half a million, with thriving contingents in nearly every major city. Over the past year, books like Open, by journalist Jenny Block; Opening Up, by sex columnist Tristan Taormino; and an updated version of The Ethical Slut—widely considered the modern "poly" Bible—have helped publicize the concept. Today there are poly blogs and podcasts, local get-togethers, and an online polyamory magazine called Loving More with 15,000 regular readers. Celebrities like actress Tilda Swinton and Carla Bruni, the first lady of France, have voiced support for nonmonogamy, while Greenan herself has become somewhat of an unofficial spokesperson, as the creator of a comic Web series about the practice—called "Family"—that's loosely based on her life.

And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to