Source: polyamory community at LiveJournal
When I was but a wee lad in my early twenties, and not wise in the ways of polyamory, I used to scoff at the ideas of people falling into relatively easy to identify clichés, especially among the poly community; after all, weren’t we all being delightfully non-conformist. Now, from the ever-so-much-more-enlightened position of being in my late twenties, I see that, no, my belief was quite wrong. I think there are maybe about 10 types of polyamorites in the world (or more). Certainly, the boundaries are not hard and fast, and I am not doubting that each one of you is a beautiful and unique flower with something special that makes you the exception, but the general rule holds nonetheless. I think it all came together for me at a party hosted by some good friends of ours in Colorado Springs. They were a (mostly) functional triad with two children. They were kind and friendly to us when they first encountered us, and were incredible friends. I walked into the cluttered living room and waved to them across the half-filled couches. Two waved back, and the third looked up from a conversation with a curly haired refugee from the eighties, a look of amused despair on her face. The man in question seemed oblivious to this look, and continued blithely pressing his suit. It occurred to me that here were two extremely different types of people.
Polyfi: Polyfi has been polyamorous for years; long enough to watch the current internet blossoming of the polyamory community with a hope that slowly over time has become resigned disappointment. Polyfi is usually very attractive, with attractive mates, and, no, no matter how many times you mention your stamp collection, Polyfi will not sleep with you. Not now, not ever. Polyfi’s natural enemies are Entitled and Fanatic.
Entitled: Entitled is almost always male. He goes to poly events with one goal, and one goal only: to take home whatever woman he can manage to convince. He will start the evening talking incessantly to the most attractive woman in the room (usually Polyfi) and persists until he is first gently, then rudely rebuffed. Undeterred, he will turn his attentions to the next most attractive woman in the room. Usually, he'll go home with Easy, unless even she can't abide his smarmy ways. As time goes by, Entitled can sometimes evolve into Fanatic.
As my wife and I circulated through the party (and she fended off her turn with Entitled) I began to look at the others and wonder whether they represented certain types as well. I thought back to other events, and started observing again. There was the somewhat disgruntled woman sitting off in the corner, looking occasionally at her husband (across the room, chatting with someone ten years younger than either of them) with a look hovering between wistfulness and jealousy. Over on another couch, an aggressively together couple snags the much-sought-after attention of a woman that actually came here alone, and is by reputation bisexual.
Hobbit: short for "hot bi babe": the holy grail of polyamory. Vessel for the ill-conceived fantasies of many a poly couple, man, and woman. Not only is she (in theory) eminently available, but she might actually like YOU. Why not? Hobbit rivals polyfi in popularity, but is usually not as attractive. In some cases it is possible to confuse Hobbit with Easy. Hobbit's natural enemies are non-existent…but her natural predators are everywhere, waiting to pounce and snatch up this hot commodity before some other person or persons manage to do so.
Twofer: They may not be joined at the hip, but it sure seems like it sometimes. Twofer is always on the prowl for someone they BOTH can date…and is nominally interested in nothing else. Often times, being a Twofer is a compromise to avoid one party being Reluctant Spouse. Twofers are sometimes (but not always) also Newbies. Twofer's natural enemies include Hypocrite and Fanatic, but that's partially because both are trying to split one off from the other, which will always result in horrible drama. Twofer sometimes generates Hypocrite and Hobbit, but not always.
Easy: Female fusion of Hobbit and Entitled. Usually not as attractive as Hobbit, but makes up for it with a willingness to sleep with anyone and everyone that asks her. Sometimes single, sometimes married, her relationships do not usually last long, and are often emotionally unfulfilling, which only spurs her to keep trying all the harder. Easy's natural enemy is Romantic, but that won't stop him from sleeping with her, too.
Philanderer: Male. Philanderer is always male. He's somehow convinced his wife (Reluctant Spouse) that they should get into the poly "lifestyle," and either obliviously doesn't notice her unease or willfully ignores it. Philanderer often closely resembles Entitled in his behavior. Philanderer will encourage Reluctant Spouse to explore polyamory, and tries to set her up with women he wants to sleep with as well. When Reluctant Spouse becomes interested in a male, however, Philanderer often becomes Hypocrite
Reluctant Spouse: She doesn't want to be here. Really. Her pride is wounded, she feels bad for being angry at Philanderer, and doesn't have the guts to tell him so. Reluctant Spouse will eventually find the courage to date herself, and will be surprised again when Philanderer reveals himself as Hypocrite.
No Boys Allowed: No Boys Allowed is nearly always married to either Monogamous (male variety) or Hypocrite. By decree, negotiation, or desire, she doesn't go after other men, and is somewhat insulted when other men ignore this fact and hit on her anyway. No Boys Allowed is sometimes a Twofer in disguise.
Quixotic: Quixotic is male and in love with No Boys Allowed. Poor guy, but he's kind of asking for it. Unless Quixotic manages to find some perspective, he will inevitably evolve into Fanatic.
Fanatic: Fanatic thinks any negotiation, arrangement, or rules at all restricting who one's partners can see is tantamount to slavery and oppression. He will climb high on his might horse and trumpet loudly "That's not poly!" and suggest that others need to shed their outmoded ways of dealing with relationships. Fanatic will attempt to fix the definition of "polyamory" and "non-monogamy" using circuitous routes of logic (and fallacy). Fanatic is rarely without his copy of "The Ethical Slut" and will insist that any and all newbies read it. Fanatic will unabashedly encourage people with arrangements (especially No Boys Allowed) to leave their current partner(s) and find someone who will give them true freedom. By definition, of course, this means them. Convenient, huh? Fanatic's natural enemies include anyone with a brain.
Matriarch: Matriarch loves attention. She's often in her late thirties, is no longer skinny, and is often strikingly beautiful. She can usually be seen holding court surrounded by a gaggle of admirers. Cigar in one hand, whiskey in the other, she picks and chooses the best and brightest from her followers. She usually rules the local poly social scene with an iron, yet benevolent hand. She has an intense dislike for Entitled, and never invites him to her parties.
Romantic: Romantic feels that it is his (or her) destiny to have many loves…and will do all possible to make this happen. Romantic will actively woo, post regular holiday "I love you ALL" messages on his livejournal, publicly comment about how happy-making this lifestyle is…and generally try to "live the dream". This is attractive to some, a turn-off for others.
Hypocrite: "But honey, it's perfectly fair! We'll have the same rules. Both of us can only date women!" Hypocrite was often once a Philanderer who discovers he's not quite as sanguine about his wife having other men as he originally claimed. Hypocrite is surprisingly common, and often masquerades as any of the other types of Polyamorite. The Fanatic actively plots Hypocrite's downfall, usually by encouraging Quixotic.
Newbie: Newbie is brand new to all that is polyamorous. Newbie is full of optimism, hope, and has not yet realized that their ideal doesn't exist in the real world. Newbie is often part of a Twofer. Newbies are always welcomed with great fanfare, as everyone else jostles to get their chance at the fresh meat.
Kinkball: the name says it all. Not only is kinkball polyamorous, kinkball is also into bondage, domination, watersports, yiffing, and half a dozen things you haven't heard of. Kinkball lords their "more alternative than you" lifestyle as much as they can, and then complains of discrimination when other people complain.
Picky: Can be male or female, and confuses many. Picky will go to many poly events, meet, greet, and generally mingle. Despite all this, Picky usually goes home with the same person that they came to the party with. Picky will shoot down many attempts at flirtation, smoothly turning them into mere friendly conversation. Some will hypothesize that Picky is not poly at all, but for Picky it comes down to this: "the odds are good, but the goods are odd." That said, if Picky manages to find someone to meet their stringent standards, Picky will often evolve into Polyfi. Can sometimes be mistaken for Snob
Snob: Snob will come to the poly party and subtly mock everyone around them. They will not date anyone there, and wonder aloud why so many people attracted to poly are ugly, fat, or both. Snob will not hesitate to show pictures of their unreasonably attractive mates. While one would expect Snob to be equally attractive, this is not always the case.
Homophobe: Homophobe embarasses everyone around him.
Bait: Bait attempts to procure nubile female flesh for her husband by using herself as a lure for bisexual women. She herself may not in fact be bisexual, and may even be a closet homophobe, but she'll do anything for her man. The religious sub-type of Bait–sister-wife–is especially notorious for this, but she tends not to come to poly parties. After all, she might meet strange people there.
Out of Play: Out of play–for whatever reason–would really, really like to be poly, but isn't dating right now. No, not even you.
Monogamous: Happier than Reluctant Spouse, monogamous knows what they want, and knows that poly is not it. That said, most specimens of Monogamous you will meet through the polyamory community do not mind if their spouse is Poly; in fact, Monogamous will often encourage it, to the confused consternation of everyone. Monogamous sometimes has tried poly in the past, and "grown out of it." Monogamous' greatest "enemy" is Fanatic, but Monogamous never hangs out on polyamory bulletin boards, and doesn't notice the hue and cry at all.
I don't go to many poly meet ups anymore. It's hard to see past the types when I go to these events. These days, I prefer to make friends one on one with the rare poly person or couple I come across out in the real world. This means fewer dates, but also less drama. Maybe someday I'll be brave enough to venture back into one of those meat markets, but I'm not counting on it anytime soon.
March 31st, 2008 | 
