Although it’s not something many would admit, although admitting this is something that’s ‘not done’ , I’m sure there are many people out there that feel the same way. I feel lonely. I’m not alone, that’s something entirely different, but even when I’m surrounded by people, I do feel lonely. It’s a feeling that weighs heavily upon me. Each and every day I have to struggle to survive, or so it seems.
I’m not talking about surviving in the sense of not having a roof over my head, food on my plate, a bed in which to put my tired body to rest. All my basic needs are met (well, except for the fact that at the moment I’m living without heating, which is kind of a basic need with temperatures around 10°C).
I also have a fulltime job, something that isn’t all that evident in times of high unemployment, not even for those with a higher education and years of work experience, as I know all too well myself. There are people that love me, I have friends, and plenty of acquaintances.
Yet still there’s this feeling of utter loneliness. It’s a feeling as if this world isn’t mine. This world doesn’t need me, sometimes it doesn’t even seem to want me. I don’t feel at ease in this world. This is not a place I like to dwell. Every day I see things happening that frighten me, that sadden me, that anger me. Do you know how difficult it is to find just one single positive news item a day?
I feel dismayed when I hear someone say she doesn’t care whether Bush or Kerry has won the elections, as it doens’t affect her personally (or so she thinks). Even the price of oil doesn’t bother her as she can fill her tank without paying taxes, and if others can’t, well, that’s their problem, isn’t it? How on earth can people be so narrowminded? Is it normal not to care about young people not being able to buy a modest place, even when they’re both working, just because you happen to have a large family with all kinds of connections, allowing you to buy everything you need at large discounts?
Is it normal for people, in the name of one God or another, to humiliate, hurt or even kill other human beings? Or give others orders to humiliate, hurt or kill for that matter?
If you ask me, most people are shallow, selfish, fake and cruel. I imagine at times I’m exactly like that as well. I don’t hold on to the illusion that I’m so much better, as some try to do, systematically blaming others, lecturing others, and feeling oh so righteous.
In the beginning I was as naive as to think the online world would be a better one. To think people would be more appreciated for what they are, instead of for who they know, and how good they are at sucking up. Most of the time this was just another illusion. In the online world as well, most people only look for their own benefit. They want to help others, but only when they think there will be something in it for them. Most only strive for their own good.
People that portrayed themselves as my friends, guess how many sent me a small message to ask me how I was doing from time to time, worrying about the silence on my part. I can assure you, my mailbox stayed rather empty (well, there always is spam of course, spam, friend of the lonely).
I felt hurt when he, who said: “I know those are heavy words, but I love you, with all that’s implied in those words” , didn’t understand it’s not that easy to pack my bags and move from Belgium to the UK, that there was more to it than not having a job (which I hadn’t at the time) and turning my back on a relationship of 5 years (which, I admit, was far from being satisfactory for the last 1 – 2 years), and I felt even more hurt when he apparently grew tired of me very fast. At least, that’s what I had to conclude, when he didn’t even reply to my e-mail and text messages. Perhaps someone as confident as he is, can’t empathise with someone like me, who, because of everything that happened in the past, has a hard time to look upon change as an opportunity, and not as a choice that can be yet another bad one. Someone that has a very, very hard time, not to think about the consequences for others, when making choices, and someone that doesn’t like to hurt others. Perhaps he doesn’t understand that his confidence might be intimidating to others that are not as confident.
I can’t stand people that only see black and white, but it seems I’m getting lost in all the shades of grey inbetween. And in the process of trying not to hurt others, I still hurt them, and get terribly hurt myself. Is the alternative only to think of oneself? Wouldn’t that be utterly selfish? If that is the way to go, someone please tell me how, because I don’t know how to do just that.
I feel paralysed, stuck in several intertwined vicious circles. I’m so far from being perfect. Or even from acceptably imperfect. There’s so much I need to change. How can I expect others to understand me, if at times I don’t understand myself at all? Why, when having to make a decision, I tend to want to look at all the options, and study all possible scenarios? Why do I feel my life is a mess, and even worse, do I feel unable to change? Why do I seem to be frightened, frightened to hurt others, frightened not to succeed, frightened to make bad choices, frightened to accept myself, frightened to be unloved by others, frightened to … live?
Why do I have such high standards, that I can’t live up to them? Why am I so disapointed I can’t? Why am I a control freak that miserably fails? Why is it I can’t even enjoy small things, like finally having the courage to write this blog entry after 3 months of silence?
Where is the strenght I should get from knowing I have survived terrible things I don’t want to talk about in this blog entry? The strenght I should get from knowing my intelligence is above average? From knowing not many would have the perseverance to bond with, mostly illegal, African women for 4 years, in order to give them a voice in the debate about female genital mutilation? From knowing I have a conscience and using it when interviewing people in order to determine whether their planned marriage is a suspected sham marriage or not (which is what I do for a living, on the one hand protecting those that are lied to, led to believe love is the reason the other person wants to get married, while seeking only a permit to stay in the country, and protecting society from all kinds of abuses, while on the other hand, realising not everyone was lucky enough to be born in a wealthy country, and realising love doens’t look at a person’s nationality, realising not all marriages between citizens of this country are happy marriages either, bound to succeed, and realising, although one might get that impression, not all are seeking to deceive, lie and cheat).
Perhaps I should become a hermit, and dive into the dark depths of my existance. Dwell there, for better or for worse. Perhaps I will drown, but I’m sure I won’t be missed much. Sometimes I imagine myself deceased, looking upon the people that gathered to bid me farewell. They are not plenty. And even those present will get on with their lives, and the hurt will fade away. Although, I don’t think I can. Make them go through a period of grief that is. As they are not many, perhaps I should cherish them. And there might be a chance I won’t drown but surface once again. Hopefully stronger, better equipped to deal with this world, while not having to give in to the shallowness, the selfishness, the cruelty, …
For the moment, I don’t know. The feeling of loneliness is omnipresent. I need to make place for even the tiniest tidbit of hope. Sorry for this incoherent entry, wish I could have done better after 3 months of silence, but I’m afraid this is it.
November 5th, 2004 | 
hello..
strange way of expressing deep feelings. but i have to admit this webpage has some resonance in my feelings. What i think you have to do is to leave. Leave your flat and cold appartment, leave Belgium. Above all, leave the thought you have of yourself. Go away, and feel confident with other people, people you don’t know at the moment, but.. who don’t know you either. It makes all the difference. You can cheat yourself for awhile, give yourself the time to learn life, happyness again. It’s a thing one can forgot in this strange society we’ve made.. Try to take a look from elsewhere, take recoil. Deep inside you, you know some people could love you, and you could love them too. You just have to find them, so keep looking carefully in this fog we call society. Please, find love, friendship, and smile again. You have to do that. For us. For you, cause it’s definitely your life you’re living. That’s a definitive right you have to be selfish in your doubts, in your errancy.
and.. good luck!
(ps: sorry for my poor english, i wish i could speak as well as you do)
Hello Morgaine, I know I haven’t been here for a long time, almost a year:?:wall: Sorry. I didn’t know, you felt so lonely, and yes I know the feeling. When I read this posting of yours, I see myself the last couple of years. Now it’s getting better, think more positive, and try to enjoy life. Enjoy the little things in life, like a smile, the sun, etc… I still have you on msn, but you don’t seen to come on line anymore. Don’t be scared to do so, and ask question when you feel the need to it. Even knowing, I have a very tough life, I enjoy every minute of it, at least I try to! But when it is getting out off hand, Ithink back on what I have in myself to others, that is LOVE. And as long you have love in your heart to others, that’s the best thing in the world. Even when people who you love don’t say they love you, they do. But they are scared to say so, or admit it. I found that out last year when I was depressive, and the person who helped me back on my feet, was the woman who I also loved but both scared of admitting it to ourselfs, knowing we have relationships. It has been friendship to us, nothing more. We feel each-other, and respect what we both have.
Best of all, we understand one another, and are there in the hour of need. That’s a part of my personal impression and what I been through. Anyway, an honest coversation, openly can do wonders!!!!!! When you need a ear or shoulder, or feel the need to talk, feel free to contact me. I know it’s not easy for some, but we only live once and we have to make the best of it. A lot of love and kisses, all the best Franky:thumbsup:
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.
– Rilke
I remember reading an interview with James Hillman. After years of working as a psychotherapist he concluded that each of us is utterly, totally, inevitably alone. But that by understanding and accepting this we can take joy in the miracle that happens each time that wall seems to be breached, like when you truly communicate with someone – it’s rare, but it can actually happen.
I have something 2 share w/u. It’s a personal, lonely experience but would b 2 long 2 include n this commentary so I’d like it if you emailed me & all I ask is 4 ur permission 4 me 2 share this lonely experience part of my life which was very painful 4 me 2 go through here in the United States Navy w/u.
there’s that nirvana lyric that goes…”i’m so lonely, but thats ok, cos so are you”
There’s so much I want to say and sorry to hear that you’re so unhappy but maybe the comment box is not the right place so if at any time you’d like to chat, please don’t hesitate to email me. Just to concentrate on one small point – if you’re unhappy in Antwerp and feel that moving would be a good idea, could you try and think of it as running *to* rather than from?
Heya Morgaine ltns LICKS hehe. Here’s to hoping life sorts itself out for you…
I know this feeling, I’d say its kinda similar to what your writing about. Though I really have no idea where to take that thought 
I really love that wall.gif it strikes a chord…. How twisted is that?
No you’re not alone. Nearly every day I think something like “I wish the world were filled with people like…” {and here goes a description of someone who could be you and feel like you do}. You see? your existence is important. It’s important to me, and to anyone who feels like I do. The really difficult part is… to meet the people we like.
Very telling.
As I’m in a ’saying thank you’ – mood, let me also thank those that remained silent. Silence is telling. I might not like what exactly it tells me, but it is telling nevertheless. And yes, you might blame me for being silent as well, but in my life I’ve had to be the better, stronger one all too often, I’ve had to initiate or reinstate contact too often, and frankly, at this point, I am not strong, I am weak, vulnerable and confused. Sorry.
I also want to say thank you to all those that sent me e-mail or messages through StumbleUpon or Instant Messengers. The image of the flowers sheered me up for a bit. The offers to listen made me feel a bit better. I know it’s not always that evident to actually send that mail, or message, how big or small the content. I know most of your lifes are busy. I know that for most of you I’m not much more than a stranger. So thank you once again, it is really appreciated.
@ Matt: yes, we’ve been kind of out of touch. And yes, I’m to blame for that as well. However, I’ve NOT moved to the UK. Please reread that paragraph, perhaps I didn’t make it clear enough, or perhaps you misread.
I’m still in Antwerp (the scraps and scribbles from Antwerp, Belgium), Antwerp I’ve grown to wholeheartedly dislike, feeling stuck there, but somehow unable to leave behind for now, as I don’t think it’s such a good idea to be running from my problems (although, I have to admit, as often as thinking it’s not a good idea to be running from my problems, I think a fresh new start in a new environment would be able, or have been able, to make all the difference, as I feel paralysed over here).
The guy that asked me to come live with him the UK (Reading area) said that not acting has consequences as well, and I am aware of that. Even more, I hate myself for it. Like I said, I’m drowning in all the shades of grey. I hate myself for not being able to turn into the person I would like to be. I even hate myself more for not knowing exactly what kind of person I want to be. For wanting things that don’t seem to be reconcilable. And no, I’m not talking about wanting to have two men in my life.
@ jackie: thank you for your reaction. I think you’re right it’s impossible for any intelligent, feeling person NOT to feel discouraged at times. It’s just that the intelligent, feeling person seems to be a minority. When I look around me, I see shallowness, selfishness and cruelty. I see how people seem to care less and less. Most people seem to be seeking shelter in their own pretty little worlds, shutting out all the rest. If they and perhaps their loved ones are doing well, all is well. Or perhaps not even that, as I notice people become less and less tolerant (not even talking about how tolerance isn’t only a positive thing). People care less for the unemployed, the disabled, the mentally ill, the poor, for those that for one reason or another are left behind, left out, excluded. They’re less open to other opinions, other believes and other points of reference. When looking around it’s defenitely not the best of humanity I see and that frightens me and makes me feel sad.
I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. That’s one of the reasons I decided to blog about my feelings, as it’s some kind of bittersweet relief to know, read, notice, one isn’t the alone in having these kind of feelings. I thought about how blogging about this might make me look vulnerable, and how it might perhaps have repercussions in real life, as I have no control over who reads this blog or not. But I notice I have tendency to shut out the world myself, not to reach out anymore, for fear of getting hurt once again. For fear of being considered boring and uninteresting, as at times it feels as if people above all want to be entertained, they want to read funny stuff, talk politics, or anything else but to read about a stranger feeling lousy. I realise this is a dangerous tendency and not at all helpful in trying to feel better.
Even know it hurts that some people I hoped hearing from, remain silent. But at least I don’t have to pretend all is well when it obviously isn’t. Once again jackie, thanks for your reaction.
@ Mark: You’re a fellow Stumbler I didn’t know before I wrote this entry. Still, you took the trouble of sending me a message through StumbleUpon and also leave me a message over here. I’m not sure as to what RN means, doesn’t it mean Registered Nurse? From your website I learn you’re suffering from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome (also known as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome) and I just want to let you know I think it’s really courageous not to let this defeat you. I admire you for going back to class and for your desire to help others, even though life isn’t treating you all that nice. Wishing you all the best, hope to see you on StumbleUpon.
@ Just James, AJ and sue: you’re the three musketeers?
Or perhaps all in #blogshares the last time I accidently entered that chat room? Anyway, thank you for your messages. Of all the online communities I’ve participated in, Blogshares is the one that brought me disappointment most. Sure, I’ve met a couple of interesting folks, and I’ve spent numerous hours playing the game, as well as helping out in several ways, but overall I can’t say the community had such a nice atmosphere. It has brought me disappointment, sadness, rejection and even heartache. But people are having fun at Blogshares so I guess I just don’t fit in. I’m happy I don’t spend hours and hours there anymore, making myself feel miserable and wondering what’s wrong with me.
See i’ve been out of touch so long i didn’t even know you’d moved to the uk. When i get my new flat set up with broadband we need to have a chat. I’m dropping you my new number as well. Easier than an international phone call at least. Till then. Enjoy my country, though you never did say where in the uk you were living.
Hi, Morgaine. I don’t know you, but I found your blog while surfing the ‘net. I wanted to tell you I’ve often felt the same things you’re talking about; lots of times I feel lonely and unhappy even though I have a job (college teaching) that pays enough and fulfills me spiritually, and a number of people in my life who love me. I don’t think it’s possible for any intelligent, feeling person to look at the world around them and not feel discouraged sometimes. Sometimes my students give me hope but then I still return at the end of the day to a cold, empty house. I don’t have any answers but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone out there.
Hi I always feel lonesome in a crowd ,when Im with certain people ,my ladyfriend a sweet child ,my Therapist or riding somewhere since my hands dont work but Im going back to school late in my life I can no longer be an RN without hands if I didnt live where I am I would have even a lower feeling on Maslows Hierarchy ,but I have a roof over my head ,but Im around people in class or when we have community meetings ,I’m going to be lonely as I leave this Blog Gentlest Hug Mark aka rsdno
It is nice to see you once more, Morgaine.
I second James’ motion to want you happy, and I understand…
Hi Morgaine.
You know, I always try to get you to smile. I’ve missed you at Blogshares. Regardless of what anyone thinks, I like you. I hope to keep in touch with you too. Don’t go away for you are not forgotten, you are not alone. There are others who feel like you do too, including me. I’ve been there.
James